One Almost 'Perfect' Day at the Gym

Not too long ago, I got pulled into signing up for a personal trainer at my gym. So apart from going broke to broker, I was also going to subject my extremely unfit body to inhuman unholy torture (the kind that’s worse than water boarding, yes that one).

My first two sessions were with two different male trainers one of whom was pretty good, we did some simple arm and lower back weight training – piece of cake. The second one made me work on my lower body, again not a biggie but I think he took my lack of fatigue as a sign to push me hard and started going all boot camp on me. The result? My calves couldn’t support me for the next three days, rendering my lower body completely incapacitated.

Third session, enter female trainer(am always happy to meet someone my height – don’t ask me why) cute, petite, athletic built, super toned, perfect curves, basically the only thing I really had in common with her was my height. Pleasantries done and we began our session, she made me wear this awfully heavy life vest looking thing and wore one herself just so I am not the only one looking like a freak. I was so glad that she revealed to me that it weighed fifteen freaking pounds at the end of our session and not before otherwise it would have taken two or more people to shove me into it.

Anyhow, we started our 30 minute complete body resistance training; fancy words for the shortest way to painfully killing yourself. I thought that I had experienced pain earlier but this? this pain was out of the ordinary, this was an out of body experience. It forced me to think that she probably had me confused for someone who is training for a body building competition. Halfway through and I thought that I was literally going to die and the last person I would be seeing is her instead of my husband and family. I had sweat pouring into my eyes, burning and stinging them but I couldn’t wipe it off because my hands had a death grip on the resistance band pulling what seemed like a thousand pounds.

She did give me a couple of water breaks and I kid you not when I say this, I contemplated running out of there during the second one and I should have if I knew what was to follow. In the dying moments of my session I stopped, and begged her to take that vest off me which during the course of the session, had made me feel like Atlas, carrying the weight of the world. She, very sweetly refused and egged me to finish up the set after which I was going to be done. Done? As in what? As in dead? Left without a choice, I pushed myself and completed that last, excruciatingly painful set and got a big pat on my back from her as soon as i got done. I honestly thought that I deserved a big platter of strawberry cheesecake instead.

We walked over to the trainer desk and she entered in the details of my session into the computer while I caught my breath and sipped on my water. Regardless of my near death experience minutes ago, I still proceeded to ask her if in the future she would be free at an earlier time to train with me and this is what transpired thereafter:

Female trainer: “I can’t come in any sooner, I am still nursing my 3 year old and I can only manage this time frame”

Me: “ Whoaaaaa, you a mother??? Of a 3 year old?!?!?!”

Female trainer: “Oh no, not 3 year old, I have a 3 MONTH old baby”

*Stood there for a good 10 seconds with my mouth wide open, speechless*

Me: “Wow, that is just unbelievable, why am I even trying to get into shape, what chance do I have? I mean just look at you, you’ve just had a baby and you look fantastic, I can never ever do that. I think that I should just throw in the towel now and go home and continue lying on my couch till death comes for me, blah blah……”

Female trainer (cutting me short): “haha, don’t be silly, you will get into shape…”

I said some incoherent stuff in return and the next thing I recollect was some guy peeling me off the floor asking me if I am ok. Yes, people, I had blacked out, right there in front of God alone knows how many people working out, entering/leaving the gym or just walking about.

And just to be clear my passing out was NOT a reaction to finding out that my perfect figured trainer had just recently birthed a baby. I mean yeah I am a drama queen but I really do try not to over react :) And yes, Cartoon Network, get your story straight- there are no stars and no birds flying around your head in circles when you faint; you feel queasy, weak, lose vision and hearing and collapse, that’s it.

But I digress, so there I was, being helped to a nearby chair and this guy letting my trainer know that her client had just passed out. Yup, she hadn’t even noticed that I wasn’t standing behind the desk anymore!

She promptly came to my aid, helped me stay conscious all the while rapidly fanning me with a book. She was asking me to pay attention to what she was asking me to do to feel better and all I was thinking was “Oh my God did I just pass out in a gym full of people? How many people that? Nahh, maybe not too many… but then wouldn't that depend on how long I was lying on the floor for? Oh wait who was the guy who saw me and picked me up? I can’t seem to remember. Did he or someone else see my ‘fainting face’, Oh God I must have drooled, maybe with a lazy lower lip; there is no elegant way of fainting! Oh God why did this have.…” I was rudely jerked out of my trance like state mixed with feelings of nausea and sheer humiliation by a hasty client summoning my trainer to begin her session.

To replace her came an all too familiar face, one of my earlier male trainers-the calves mutilation one, I could just about gather up the strength to groan – Oh great, more embarrassment. He, in the midst of stifling his laugh (oh yes he was laughing at me) took me to a lesser populated area of the gym and helped me get some strength back and was nice enough to offer me a trashcan if the need to expel my insides arose.

Normalcy reinstated and we walked out of there - I did stop to ask “Please, please tell me that someone else has fainted during/after training before, that I am not the first?” I don’t know how much truth there was in his response but he did reply in the affirmative, that there have been a few cases like me. And you know what, I will take his word for it because it is imperative that an unembarrassed me returns to the gym like nothing happened and continues with her training and puts bizarre thoughts like seeing her mug shot plastered on their wall captioned ‘potential lawsuit- maintain distance from this lady’ to rest.

Needless to say, this was one of the most mortifying moments (knowing my luck there will be many more to come) of my life and instead of keeping it to myself I chose to write about it and not just that, but also post it on the internet. I guess that that incident has left me a little more cuckoo than normal :)